A Modest Proposal

(Thanks to Mark for this one.)

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists,
Marxists, Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest
election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we
tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations,
but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological
sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right, so let's
just end it on friendly terms. We can smile; slate it up to
irreconcilable differences, and go on our own ways.

Here is a model dissolution agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking
a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides
can come to a friendly agreement.

After that it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can
effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and
disparate tastes. We donʼt like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.

You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA,
and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell
(you are however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough
to move them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies,
Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys,
hippies, and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan Hockey Moms,
greedy CEO's, and Rednecks. Weʼll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and
Hollywood.

You can make nice with Iran, Palestine, and France, and we'll retain the
right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the
peaceniks and war protestors. When our allies or way of life are under
assault, weʼll provide them job security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian Values.. You are welcome to Islam,
Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain. You can have the U.N. But we
will no longer be paying the bill. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and
oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru Station Wagon you can
find.

You can give everyone healthcare, if you can find any practicing Doctors
(that is practicing, Howard Dean) who will follow to your turf (sic).

Weʼll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.
We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm
sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach The World To
Sing, Kum Ba Ya, or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics, and you can give trickle up poverty
its best shot.

Since it often so offends you we'll keep our History, our Name, and our
Flag.

Would you agree to this? If so please pass it along to other likeminded
patriots, and if you do not agree just hit delete and hang on.

In the spirit of friendly parting, Iʼll bet you ANWAR on who will need
whose help in 15 years.

P.S. please take Barbra Streisand.